


Do You Know How I Feel?

by hondansadeensommar



Series: Multifandom Hurt/Comfort Oneshots [7]
Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexual Son Dongju | Xion, Awkward Conversations, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hwanwoong has no filter, Keonhee is confused, supportive hyungs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: “I don’t want her number!  I don’t have a crush on anyone!  At all!  Ever!  I don’t like girls, or guys, or anything else, okay?!”





	Do You Know How I Feel?

Dongju smiled at Dayoung as he passed her in the hall, bowing to his _sunbae_ as was expected of him.Dayoung had made a comment about remembering him from school when they had gone to introduce themselves to the members of WJSN the first time the two groups had been on the same music show.They hadn’t really known each other at school, and they certainly didn’t have any opportunities to talk to one another backstage because there were so many things going on all of the time.But Dongju made a point of smiling at Dayoung when they passed each other backstage, because he felt as though it was the polite thing to do when she had specifically acknowledged him.

His members, on the other hand, saw his smiles as something else entirely.

“ _Yah_ … if you like Dayoung- _sunbaenim_ , you should go talk to her…” Hwanwoong whispered to him, as the walked into the dressing room they were sharing with several other groups.“I can cover for you…”

“It isn’t like that, _hyung_ ,” Dongju replied, shaking his head as he put his bag down against the partition that separated their section of the room from the rest.

“Oh, come on… you keep smiling every time you see her,” Hwanwoong commented, still whispering as he put his own bag next to Dongju’s on the floor.“You’re of age, and we don’t have a dating ban… you don’t have to be shy about having a crush on someone.I’ll even go down there with you, so that you can get her number…”

Dongju shook his head.“I don’t want to get her number, _hyung_ … please, just drop it,” Dongju replied, turning to find out where his stage outfit for the day was so that he could start getting ready.

“Drop what?” Youngjo asked, stopping in front of the two of them with an eyebrow raised.“ _Yah_ , Hwanwoong- _ah_ , what are you teasing our _maknae_ about now?”

“I wasn’t teasing him, _hyung_.I was just offering to help him go get Dayoung- _sunbaenim_ ’s phone number… he has a crush…” Hwanwoong began.

“I don’t have a crush on anyone…” Dongju replied, shaking his head.“I’m just trying to be polite, _hyung_ , because she remembered me…”

“Who does our _maknae_ have a crush on?” Keonhee asked, coming over as well.

“No one… I just smiled at someone in the hall, and Hwanwoong- _hyung_ is reading way too much into it…” Dongju replied, shaking his head with a sigh.

“It was Dayoung- _sunbaenim_ … the one from Cosmic Girls that was talking to him when we met them…” Hwanwoong replied, smiling as though he had discovered some particularly juicy secret.Dongju couldn’t help feeling angry, knowing that none of his members were listening to what he was saying.“I offered to help him get her number…”

“I don’t want her number!” Dongju exploded.“I don’t have a crush on anyone!At all!Ever!I don’t like girls, or guys, or anything else, okay?!”

Dongju could feel tears starting to sting at his eyes as he saw the looks of shock on the faces of his members and the staff that had been in the area.He couldn’t bear the thought of letting them all see him crying, too, and Dongju turned on his heel and ran out of the room, hurrying towards the nearest stairwell to try and get away while everyone was still so shocked by his outburst.

Dongju closed his eyes as he collapsed on one of the stairs, leaning his head against the bannister as he tried to get himself to breathe normally again.He hadn’t exactly planned on coming out to his _hyungs_ in that way; Dongju had always felt awkward about the thought of explaining his sexual and romantic attraction to his _hyungs_ \- or rather, his lack of attraction.He hadn’t even told his own twin until they were already of age, unsure of how to broach the topic with _anyone_. 

“Are you okay, Dongju- _ssi_?” a soft voice asked.Dongju looked up, surprised to see Dayoung herself looking down at him with obvious concern.“We saw you run past our dressing room…”Dongju could see Yeoreum standing just behind Dayoung, also looking obviously worried.

“I’m okay, _sunbaenim_ …” Dongju replied, reaching up to wipe away his tears. 

Dongju was surprised when Dayoung moved to sit next to him, and Yeoreum moved to sit a few steps down so that she was looking up at him.“People who are okay don’t cry in stairwells, Dongju- _ssi_ ,” Yeoreum replied.

Dongju shook his head.“I just… Hwanwoong- _hyung_ was trying to be nice, I guess, but then the other members started asking questions and they kept trying to get me to…” Dongju trailed off, as he realized that he was about to let the two women know that Dayoung was part of the issue.

“Get you to what?” Dayoung pressed, gently putting a hand on his wrist.

Dongju sighed, closing his eyes.“Ask you for your number, _sunbaenim_ …” he replied softly.

Yeoreum giggled slightly.“ _Yah_ … there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to ask for Dayoung- _ah_ ’s phone number, Dongju- _ssi_ …”

“Older members can be embarrassing sometimes,” Dayoung replied, taking Dongju’s hand and squeezing it gently.“You don’t have to be embarrassed about having a crush on someone, you know.”

“I don’t, though,” Dongju replied, shaking his head.“I tried to tell them that… but they kept acting like it was a fact, just because I smile at you in the halls when we see each other to be polite.”Dongju looked up quickly as he realized that his words might be construed as rude.“I’m sorry, _sunbaenim_ … you’re very pretty, I just don’t have those kinds of feelings…”

Dayoung smiled, shaking her head.“It’s okay, Dongju- _ssi_.I’m not so shallow that I’m going to be upset that you don’t like me.Maybe slightly disappointed, because you’re cute and I definitely would have given you my number if you had actually wanted it… but we can’t control much about who we’re attracted to,” she replied.

“I wish we could… I think it would be easier if I _did_ have feelings for someone…” Dongju replied softly, shaking his head.“I just… I never feel that way about anyone.And I always feel like such a freak whenever my _hyungs_ start talking about things like that, because I don’t really understand what they’re talking about…”

“Dongju- _ssi_ … are you asexual?” Yeoreum asked softly.Dongju nodded slowly, reaching up to wipe at his eyes as they began to tear up again.“Hey… it’s okay, Dongju- _ssi_.I’m sure if you explained that to them, they would understand…”

Dongju took a deep breath.“I sort of yelled it at them…” he admitted softly, reaching up to push his hair out of his face.“I just… they weren’t listening to me, and I got upset… I ran away after that…”

“Right… the first thing we need to do is get you calmed down,” Dayoung replied, rubbing circles on Dongju’s back.“Then we’ll walk you back to your dressing room, so that you can explain better…”

Dongju nodded, reaching up to dry his tears as Yeoreum smiled up at him.“Hey… I’m sure that your members will be supportive.It isn’t as if you’ve done anything wrong,” the woman reassured. 

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_.”

The door to the stairwell opened at that moment, revealing an obviously upset Seoho.“ _Yah_ … there you are…”Dongju looked down at his knees as Seoho came into the stairwell, bowing at the two women.“ _Sunbaenims_ …”

“We should head back to our dressing room,” Yeoreum commented, standing up.“Be kind to him, Seoho- _ssi_.”

Dongju was surprised when Dayoung put an arm around his shoulders, giving him a quick hug.“You’ll be okay, Dongju- _ssi_.And if there’s a problem, just come knock at our dressing room door, okay?”

“Thank you, _sunbaenim_ ,” Dongju replied, smiling at Dayoung before she and Yeoreum left the stairwell so that he and Seoho were alone.Dongju took a deep breath, as Seoho sat down in the spot Dayoung had abandoned a moment before.“I’m sorry for yelling, _hyung_ …”

“That’s the least of our worries right now, Doongdoongie,” Seoho replied, putting an arm around Dongju’s shoulders.It wasn’t until his arm was resting there that Seoho seemed to become uncertain of what he was doing.“This doesn’t bother you, does it?”

Dongju shook his head.“I’m still okay with skinship, _hyung_.Nothing has changed… well, other than the fact that you guys all know now…”Dongju couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable.“Is anyone upset with me?”

“Not at all.Youngjo- _hyung_ is talking to Hwanwoong- _ah_ about what he did… he was out of line, and he should have listened to you when you tried to tell him that he was wrong,” Seoho replied.“Come on… let’s go back to the dressing room, so that I can call the others back and we can all talk…”

“Can we talk about it later?I… I know I sort of announced it to the whole dressing room earlier, but I don’t…”Dongju sighed, unable to finish his sentence.“I’m sorry… my brain is kind of scrambled…”

“It’s okay,” Seoho replied, squeezing Dongju’s shoulders.“I’ll make sure that the other guys leave you alone about it until you’re ready to explain.”

“Thank you, _hyung_.”

“Come on… let’s head back.We have to get ready for our rehearsal, and they’re going to need to fix your makeup…”

Seoho didn’t let go of Dongju’s shoulders as they made their way down the hall to the dressing room, almost as if he was afraid Dongju would run again if he was given half a chance.While Dongju wasn’t looking forward to having to talk about what had happened later that day, he didn’t feel as though he needed to run away again.

“ _Yah_ … Doongdoongie!”Dongju was surprised as Hwanwoong immediately moved to give him a tight hug as soon as they were back in their dressing area, but he quickly relaxed into the hug as Hwanwoong continued.“I’m sorry that I upset you.I was just fooling around… I should have stopped when you tried to tell me that I was wrong…”

“I’m sorry for yelling, _hyung_ …” Dongju began, once Hwanwoong had let go enough so that he could actually see the older man’s face.

“You don’t have to apologize, Doongdoongie,” Youngjo replied.“They were in the wrong for teasing you.And I’m sorry, too, for not making them stop when it was clear that you were uncomfortable.”

“We’ll talk about it tonight, okay?” Seoho suggested.“Doongdoongie isn’t really feeling up to talking about it right now, so we’re going to leave him alone, right?”

“Okay… call the others and let them know he’s back and safe, Seoho- _yah_.Then we all need to start getting ready for rehearsal,” Youngjo replied, putting a hand on Dongju’s shoulder and guiding him towards the rack where their stylists had hug their stage outfits for the day.“You’re going to be okay, Doongdoongie?”

“I’m okay, _hyung_.I just need some time to calm down and figure out how to actually explain everything…” Dongju replied.

“Take your time, okay?We’ll be there when you’re ready.”

 

***

 

Dongju brought his knees up to his chest as he sat down on the couch, thankful to finally be home even if that meant that he was going to have to deal with the awkward questions that he knew were coming after his earlier outburst.While he was significantly calmer than he had been earlier in the day, given the fact that his members had returned to pretty much normal behavior around him other than the occasional question about whether or not he was comfortable with something they were doing, Dongju was still nervous about having to explain himself to the others.The only person he’d ever properly come out to before that morning was Dongmyeong, and even that had been awkward.Dongju wasn’t sure how his members were going to react when he fully explained what he’d meant during his outburst, and he really didn’t like not knowing whether or not they would think he was a freak of nature for not being interested in sex the way most people were.

“Are you okay with talking now, Doongdoongie?” Youngjo asked, as the eldest sat down on the couch, too, giving Dongju some space.

“Yeah… let’s just deal with it,” Dongju replied, as Seoho moved to sit right next to him and put an arm around his shoulders again while the rest of the group found their own seats around them.Seoho seemed to be the only one not afraid to get too close, although Dongju wasn’t sure if it was that the rest of his _hyungs_ were uncomfortable or that they weren’t sure whether or not he would be comfortable with them being so close.“I know you guys probably have a lot of questions, because of what I said earlier today.I don’t feel sexual attraction to people.Like, at all.Gender doesn’t make any difference… there’s just nothing really there.Nothing bad happened to me to make me this way, or anything like that.I’ve always been asexual, even before I discovered that word existed my first year of high school.”

“So, like... you’ve _never_ felt attracted to anyone?” Keonhee asked.

Dongju shook his head.“When I was younger, I just assumed that everyone was like me, until they found the right person.Or people… I understood that it was possible to be attracted to more than one person.And I figured that when I met the right person, then I would suddenly understand.I was in middle school when I found out that wasn’t how things worked… and I just didn’t talk about it with anyone, because I felt like a freak.Even once I found out that there was a name for it… I still felt like there was something wrong with me…”

“You aren’t wrong, or a freak,” Seoho replied, stroking a hand through Dongju’s hair.“Being asexual isn’t a bad thing, it’s just different.”

“You guys aren’t weirded out by all of this?” Dongju asked, looking around the room at the rest of his _hyungs_ to try and gauge their reactions to his confession.

“Why should we be weirded out by something that’s just a part of who you are?” Keonhee asked.“It doesn’t change anything… you were asexual when we met you, and there’s nothing about that we’d want to change.You’re our _maknae_ , and we like you the way you are.”

“The only thing this changes is that we’re obviously not going to tease you about having a crush on anyone, since we know that isn’t true,” Gunhak commented.

“We do need you to tell us if there’s something we’re doing that makes you uncomfortable… like, does it bother you when we talk about sex and stuff?” Youngjo asked.

Dongju couldn’t help blushing slightly.“It’s kind of awkward,” Dongju admitted.“It might be easier now that I know you all know, and I don’t have to worry about you guys trying to bring me into the conversation.But I’m completely inexperienced when it comes to stuff like that…”

“Even masturbation?” Hwanwoong asked, seemingly out of nowhere.Dongju couldn’t help _really_ blushing at that particular question.

“ _Yah_!Really, Hwanwoong- _ah_?” Seoho asked.

“No… no, it’s okay,” Dongju replied, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to answer anything you’re uncomfortable with, Doongdoongie,” Youngjo commented.“You’re allowed to keep some things to yourself.”

“It’s okay, _hyung_.I can only answer for myself… I don’t really know anyone else who’s asexual, so it might be different for other people,” Dongju explained, even though he could still feel himself blushing.“I do masturbate, sometimes.It’s hard to explain, because I don’t really want sex… but it still feels good.I just don’t ever feel like I _need_ to do it.”

“What about falling in love with someone?” Gunhak asked.“Is that still on the table, even if sex isn’t?”

Dongju shrugged.“I’m still working on figuring that one out,” he replied.“I’ve read that it’s possible to be asexual and still be romantically attracted to someone.I just… I don’t know if that’s going to be possible for _me_.I’ve never felt that before, either.Maybe I’m aromantic, too.”

“There are so many more terms for all of this stuff than I thought…” Keonhee commented.“This is confusing…”

“Imagine trying to figure it all out when you’re in middle school, and you don’t fit into any of the boxes that you’re actually aware of,” Dongju replied.“I was so confused when I was younger… I didn’t even tell Dongmyeong- _ah_ until after we turned 19, and at that point I’d known that I was asexual for a few years…”

“So… is he…?” Seoho began.

“I’m not going to give him a label, when he hasn’t claimed one,” Dongju replied, shaking his head.“All I can be sure of is that he’s definitely not asexual… he was just as confused at first as all of you are right now. I think he gets it now.Or at least the asexual part.I haven’t really brought up the idea that I might be aromantic with anyone other than you guys…”

Seoho pulled Dongju into a tight hug.“Thank you for talking to us, Doongdoongie.You know that we love you, right?”

“Seoho- _hyung_ is right… you’re still our _dongsaeng_ , and that isn’t going to change because of this,” Gunhak added.

Dongju smiled.“Thank you, _hyungs_ … I really appreciate that,” he replied.

“It’s getting late.We should go to bed - we have another long day tomorrow, and I think we could all use some rest after today’s excitement,” Youngjo commented.

“Do you want to stay with me tonight, Doongdoongie?You’ve had it the roughest of all of us today,” Seoho commented softly, as the rest of the group started to leave to get ready for bed themselves.

Dongju shook his head.“Thank you, _hyung_ … but I’m okay,” he replied, smiling.“That was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be, to be honest…”

“Go get some sleep, Doongdoongie.I’ll see you in the morning.”


End file.
